Feeling like myself again or at least the structure craving, I need a schedule, give me a purpose, version of myself. Drinking coffee witnessing the varying shades of blue, that change while the sun searches for its place in the sky always helps me feel more in control of my life.
(Israel sunrise, 2011)
Learning how tightly to hold on to the reins of life is always a constant struggle. The desire for experience is constantly in the ring with the aspiration for improvement. Growth and comfort cheer on progress while joy and the fear of missing out yank my arm out the door and onto my next adventure.
(Seward, Alaska 2011)
The thing about control is once you have a little you begin to crave more. It’s like chasing the buzz from the first ice cold beer on a sunny day, you have one after the next, and pretty soon you’re hanging over a toilet dazed, confused, and swearing off drinking for the rest of your life. I’ve let control lead me down a dark path of perfection but it might have been the unhappiest time of my life because I was an addict to an elusive sense of fulfillment. Withdrawing from anything in my life that wasn’t going to help my foot reach the next rung of the ladder. A skeleton of myself, it didn’t take me too long to learn that life is more enjoyable when you experience it.
(Florance, Italy 2014)
Control cannot be just an addictive drug to be avoided, it is too important. In the right doses, control is empowering, caffeinating, and inspiring. Control is believing in yourself, it’s setting goals and creating the discipline to achieve them. It’s finding your limits and breaking them.
(Boston marathon qualification acceptance, 2013)
It’s noticing the new definition in your arm muscles or being thanked for your hard effort at work. It’s taking the time to think deeply about issues and their solutions. It’s deciding the type of person you want to be and holding yourself accountable when you make mistakes. It’s the kids that look up to you or the thank you card in the mail for the time you give away for free. Without control there is no basis for dreams, it just needs to be balanced with a healthy amount of letting your hair down, staying up too late, and one too many chocolate chip cookies. Balance is loosening the grip without letting go of the rope.
(First time meeting my Goddaughter, 2014)
For me healthy looks like sleeping in the mornings but working out in the evenings, eating clean most of the time but never thinking twice when faced with guacamole and a margarita. It’s putting friends before strict routines but staying in with a book when you are physically and mentally exhausted. It’s Saturdays surrounded by friends at the brewery, but Sundays at the coffee shop alone with my thoughts. It’s the taste of a cold glass of chardonnay or 4 with the best of friends followed by a long day of volunteering for a purpose you care about.
(family selfie, 2016)
It’s optimism with a healthy dose of reality. It’s kindness with a sense of self-worth. This summer like many in the past, it’s strengthening my balance with carefree and control.
“Like a tree, you have to find your roots but then you can bend in the wind” ~ Angela Farmer